It doesn't mean you don't love your baby...
I've written almost 130 posts on this blog - some are easy, fun and light hearted full of fun smiley pictures and fantastic family moments - others are full of worry, heartache, or sadness. Today's post is not an easy one but in an effort to be fully open and honest with my readers - once again - I'm putting it out there.
Tomorrow I go to see a counselor to discuss post partum depression. This past week I reached my breaking point where honestly I was just tired of not being entirely happy, not feeling like myself, and being generally weepy and down all the time. I talked it over with Chris and my family and I made the very hard 1st phone call to the doc. The nurse that I reached on the other end was absolutely amazing and made me feel like a superhero for even calling. I of course was sobbing and literally unloaded my life to her on the phone - she suggested I come in so I went in to see the nurse practitioner that focuses on post partum depression that very same day.
When I sat down with her - again as per usual - I started sobbing. She encouraged me, said take your time I have all day, I'm here for you and I'm here to listen. I explained to her that I have every single thing in the world to be happy about - I have a beautiful healthy son, a great husband, a family who is extremely supportive and loving, we are all healthy, we don't have huge bills looming over our heads, cars we can't afford - what in the hell do I have to be sad about? I also talked through with her the anxiety that I've been feeling. I get very anxious in very simple situations - I've literally left an entire cart full of stuff at Target in aisle 5 because I had a mini panic attack - and that was when I was alone with Chris at home with Case and not a care in the world!
I've tried to explain the feelings away for a while now. When I took the Edinburgh PPD test at 6 weeks I was happy as a clam and honestly wasn't really feeling anything but pure joy and elation but things changed. At first I thought OK - maybe it's because I quit my job, exited the workforce and am staying at home - it's just an adjustment I told myself. Well…3 months later and even working from home as a consultant…things didn't get better. Then I thought OK - it's because I'm not getting any sleep - Casey was up every 90 minutes that has to be it right? Enter sleep consultant who literally changed our lives - I have a baby that sleeps 12 hours at night and 3-4 hours during the day - I'm getting lots of rest - but still I'm up every day at 3:30 on the dot with my mind racing and I still don't feel like myself. Ok…so that's not it. I have heard other moms describe that their PPD manifested in a way that led them to not feel bonded or connected to their baby - and I'm the total opposite - Casey is the absolute light of my life and I feel closer to him (sounds silly he can't even talk) than anyone else in the world. So I also used that as an excuse - I don't feel that way so it can't possibly be PPD. So I finally ran out of excuses and had no choice but to go see the doctor and honestly I'm so so glad that I did - even just talking with her once I feel a world of difference.
We talked through everything I was feeling and even discussed how I felt pre baby. My OCD tendencies, my yo-yo dieting and extreme working out over the years, some family history that we have - and we finally came to the conclusion that I do indeed have PPD but that because of the history a simple prescription and the normal treatment for PPD may not be what's best for me. So tomorrow I begin counseling at a local place that is sort of a catch all counseling place for moms with a focus strangely enough on fertility. The are counselors that offer referrals on everything related to being a parent such as nannies, photographers, psychiatrists, registry help, fertility doctors - all of it. It's called The Blossom Method for any of you local ladies that might want to check it out.
I spoke with my counselor when I made the appointment and I love her already. She again, made me feel empowered that I actually made the call and I am being proactive to feel better for not just myself but for my son, my husband and my entire family. The nurse practitioner said something that really hit home for me - she said just because you are here talking to me about this and you aren't happy all the time and you have tough days and you have these feelings…it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. And even those women who have PPD and don't feel a connection to their babies - it doesn't mean that they don't love their babies either. This is so so so very important. When you feel this way and you can't seem to be happy - no matter how good things are - you can begin to think that something is wrong with you - but I'm coming to find this is pretty common after having a baby and it's ok. It becomes a problem when you don't get the help that you need.
I'm not sure where this journey is going to take me - I'm hoping that this is something I can manage with weekly counseling but who knows. We will go from tomorrow's appointment - but please, I encourage any of you new momma's out there that might be feeling this way - don't wait to talk to someone. Honestly just talking with 2 different professionals for about a total of 45 minutes so far I literally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am happier that I've been in weeks and I feel already like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So please - if you are feeling this way - call someone, call your doctor, talk to a friend - send me a message! - anything - because I promise once you do it will get better. I will keep you posted but if you could keep me in your thoughts I'd really appreciate it!!
XOXO
K
Tomorrow I go to see a counselor to discuss post partum depression. This past week I reached my breaking point where honestly I was just tired of not being entirely happy, not feeling like myself, and being generally weepy and down all the time. I talked it over with Chris and my family and I made the very hard 1st phone call to the doc. The nurse that I reached on the other end was absolutely amazing and made me feel like a superhero for even calling. I of course was sobbing and literally unloaded my life to her on the phone - she suggested I come in so I went in to see the nurse practitioner that focuses on post partum depression that very same day.
When I sat down with her - again as per usual - I started sobbing. She encouraged me, said take your time I have all day, I'm here for you and I'm here to listen. I explained to her that I have every single thing in the world to be happy about - I have a beautiful healthy son, a great husband, a family who is extremely supportive and loving, we are all healthy, we don't have huge bills looming over our heads, cars we can't afford - what in the hell do I have to be sad about? I also talked through with her the anxiety that I've been feeling. I get very anxious in very simple situations - I've literally left an entire cart full of stuff at Target in aisle 5 because I had a mini panic attack - and that was when I was alone with Chris at home with Case and not a care in the world!
I've tried to explain the feelings away for a while now. When I took the Edinburgh PPD test at 6 weeks I was happy as a clam and honestly wasn't really feeling anything but pure joy and elation but things changed. At first I thought OK - maybe it's because I quit my job, exited the workforce and am staying at home - it's just an adjustment I told myself. Well…3 months later and even working from home as a consultant…things didn't get better. Then I thought OK - it's because I'm not getting any sleep - Casey was up every 90 minutes that has to be it right? Enter sleep consultant who literally changed our lives - I have a baby that sleeps 12 hours at night and 3-4 hours during the day - I'm getting lots of rest - but still I'm up every day at 3:30 on the dot with my mind racing and I still don't feel like myself. Ok…so that's not it. I have heard other moms describe that their PPD manifested in a way that led them to not feel bonded or connected to their baby - and I'm the total opposite - Casey is the absolute light of my life and I feel closer to him (sounds silly he can't even talk) than anyone else in the world. So I also used that as an excuse - I don't feel that way so it can't possibly be PPD. So I finally ran out of excuses and had no choice but to go see the doctor and honestly I'm so so glad that I did - even just talking with her once I feel a world of difference.
We talked through everything I was feeling and even discussed how I felt pre baby. My OCD tendencies, my yo-yo dieting and extreme working out over the years, some family history that we have - and we finally came to the conclusion that I do indeed have PPD but that because of the history a simple prescription and the normal treatment for PPD may not be what's best for me. So tomorrow I begin counseling at a local place that is sort of a catch all counseling place for moms with a focus strangely enough on fertility. The are counselors that offer referrals on everything related to being a parent such as nannies, photographers, psychiatrists, registry help, fertility doctors - all of it. It's called The Blossom Method for any of you local ladies that might want to check it out.
I spoke with my counselor when I made the appointment and I love her already. She again, made me feel empowered that I actually made the call and I am being proactive to feel better for not just myself but for my son, my husband and my entire family. The nurse practitioner said something that really hit home for me - she said just because you are here talking to me about this and you aren't happy all the time and you have tough days and you have these feelings…it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. And even those women who have PPD and don't feel a connection to their babies - it doesn't mean that they don't love their babies either. This is so so so very important. When you feel this way and you can't seem to be happy - no matter how good things are - you can begin to think that something is wrong with you - but I'm coming to find this is pretty common after having a baby and it's ok. It becomes a problem when you don't get the help that you need.
I'm not sure where this journey is going to take me - I'm hoping that this is something I can manage with weekly counseling but who knows. We will go from tomorrow's appointment - but please, I encourage any of you new momma's out there that might be feeling this way - don't wait to talk to someone. Honestly just talking with 2 different professionals for about a total of 45 minutes so far I literally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am happier that I've been in weeks and I feel already like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So please - if you are feeling this way - call someone, call your doctor, talk to a friend - send me a message! - anything - because I promise once you do it will get better. I will keep you posted but if you could keep me in your thoughts I'd really appreciate it!!
XOXO
K
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