Selfish vs. Self-less
This is a post I have wanted to write for a long time but just didn't know how to get it out or translate my thoughts so I'm hoping this works!
Before I had Ceej I was a pretty selfish person. It was all about me. Sure I cared about my family, did things for them, loved my husband and would move mountains for him - but I was pretty selfish. If I wanted to work out I did, if I wanted to go shopping I did, if I wanted to go out with a friend I was there. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - before having a tiny human to take care of - we are all like that. We spend time doing the things we want to do, those things that make us happy - because that's what life is all about. Also, after having lost 50 pounds I was totally into my looks and appearance. I was totally hung up on it - from clothes, to shoes, my hair, not gaining an ounce - all of it. I was also a huge shopper. I would buy a new handbag every few weeks, would shop on my lunch hour most days, and had a wardrobe that would rival a lot of celebrities. We had been a dual income family with no kids for 10 years and we were able to enjoy that sort of lifestyle.
If I'm honest I was worried about how I would adjust to being a mom. It had been only Chris and I for 10 years and we wanted a baby so bad - but what kind of mom would I be? Would I continue to be selfish? Would I have a hard time adjusting to living my life for my little tiny human putting his needs 100% above mine? Would it be hard for me to stop shopping and splurging to be able to stay at home with my little guy?
I've surprised myself for sure. Right or wrong - I live 100% for that little guy now. He has totally stolen my heart and it's all about him. As a matter of fact - in most people's eyes I'm probably too self-less now. Chris and I went out for the 3rd time - just the two of us - this past weekend. It was only about the 5th time I've been away from Ceejy in as many months. As much as I know it's good for me to get out and do things and to still have that sense of me and who I am - especially now that I'm a stay at home mom - it's still hard for me to be away from him. There's something about your momma that makes everything better - still at 32 years old - I know there are times where I just need mine. And that's how I feel about Ceej - he's so little and right now there are times where he really does just need momma and that's why I hate to be too far away from him or gone for too long.
So one of my personal goals in the short term is to get better about doing a few things here and there for me. I'm going to start with going to yoga once a week at the studio down the street while Daddy and Ceej have some time together and see how that goes. It's tough because we don't have a lot of people around to watch him - everyone's lives are busy - but I also would love to get out with just the two of us more often. Ceejy still isn't the best sleeper so I'm exhausted most of the time and it's hard for Chris and I to have any time together. I also find that right now because we don't do it so often, I have a hard time shutting down mommy mode and spend most of the time talking about CJ or what he's doing.
So I'm totally rambling - big time right now - but I hope I got my thoughts out. If any other mommas are struggling with this and you have figured out how to adjust and find a good balance send your tips my way!!