Is this the last?
As I sit here at almost 3am - about 27.5 hours before we are due to arrive at the hospital for our scheduled induction and not having slept much more than about an hour all night - I can't help but be overcome with so much anxiety and so many emotions that I can hardly describe it. With Casey he came spontaneously with my water breaking at 38+3 days. I would go on to labor almost a full day and he would be born 30 minutes shy of 24 hours later. It was just as Chris and I had dreamed it would be - going into labor with my water breaking (weird but always wanted that experience) - blissfully unaware of the momentous occasion that would take place on April 6th/7th, 2014.
It's weird how things change the second time around. I have tried to carry these babies as best I can, with grace and love and a whole lot of gratitude. Gratitude for being given the opportunity to even be pregnant, let alone carry twins - 2 heads, 4 legs, 4 arms, 2 hearts. I mean seriously - how lucky can one person get? I have a beautiful miracle in Casey and I was given the chance to love 2 more? Holy smokes - someone must be looking out for me. Gratitude because of all the struggles that came before this. Every test, every "I'm sorry", every heart break, every needle, every cent - all so very worth it and a constant reminder to not take one single second for granted. Gratitude that I'm one of the lucky ones that made it out on the other side of infertility - leaving behind all my sisters that have yet to be so blessed.
Many have commended me for being a rock star or making a multiples pregnancy look easy and I cannot thank you all enough - you have no idea what those words mean to me. Especially on the days where I can hardly get up and down from the chair because my belly or back hurts so bad, or when I have to try to roll myself not so gracefully up from playing with Ceej in the floor and can only imagine the hilarious sight it is. And even more so on the days where we spend just a little too much time cuddling on the couch with the iPad instead of heading to the museum because momma just "can't even" that day. Your words of encouragement and strength have kept me going, and encouraged me, and made this easier - so to my village I thank you.
I cannot even begin to describe to you how bittersweet today is for me. It's the last day for me to have these babies all to myself without having to share them with the world. Don't get me wrong I cannot wait to see who we've been cooking in there, introduce them to big brother, and share them with their family who can't wait to shower them in love and kisses. That being said theirs someone special about feeling your babies move and kick in your belly that's simply indescribable - how do I only have a little over 24 hours just the 3 of us? How is it time to be the last day?
How is it time to be the last day with just my little man? My side kick? My best friend? My main squeeze? He's 22 months old - his world is about to be rocked in a big way and while I'm elated that makes my momma heart hurt just a little. I know he will be a great big brother - zero doubt in my mind - I just hope that I can continue to be the best momma possible to him and parent all 3 of my children with grace and gratitude everyday - giving all of them the love and attention they deserve.
And finally - is this the last day I will ever be pregnant? Is this the last day I will ever rock a belly bump? The last day I will ever walk with what I think is a super cute, pregnant waddle? Is this the last day someone will ask me "when are you due" or "what are you having?". Is this the last day I will ever feel a little hand or foot rolling around in my belly from the inside? Or feel the anticipation of being a momma expecting her miracle any day? I think people assume that because it's twins and because we will have 3 we are done but I can tell you I hope this isn't the last day. I don't feel like I can say I'm done. My heart doesn't tell me that. I see so many mommas saying "our family is complete now" after they have their little ones and my gut just doesn't tell me that. I'm not ready to say it's over. We have one embryo left and I feel like we have to go back for him/her. Having now carried 3 babies - I mourn the loss of the 2 embryos that we transferred that didn't make it even more knowing how truly amazing it could have been had they held on. So a long winded, very emotional middle of the night (errr morning I guess?) way to say I hope today isn't the last. I hope that in a few years we get to do this all over again. 💕💕
XOXO
K
It's weird how things change the second time around. I have tried to carry these babies as best I can, with grace and love and a whole lot of gratitude. Gratitude for being given the opportunity to even be pregnant, let alone carry twins - 2 heads, 4 legs, 4 arms, 2 hearts. I mean seriously - how lucky can one person get? I have a beautiful miracle in Casey and I was given the chance to love 2 more? Holy smokes - someone must be looking out for me. Gratitude because of all the struggles that came before this. Every test, every "I'm sorry", every heart break, every needle, every cent - all so very worth it and a constant reminder to not take one single second for granted. Gratitude that I'm one of the lucky ones that made it out on the other side of infertility - leaving behind all my sisters that have yet to be so blessed.
Many have commended me for being a rock star or making a multiples pregnancy look easy and I cannot thank you all enough - you have no idea what those words mean to me. Especially on the days where I can hardly get up and down from the chair because my belly or back hurts so bad, or when I have to try to roll myself not so gracefully up from playing with Ceej in the floor and can only imagine the hilarious sight it is. And even more so on the days where we spend just a little too much time cuddling on the couch with the iPad instead of heading to the museum because momma just "can't even" that day. Your words of encouragement and strength have kept me going, and encouraged me, and made this easier - so to my village I thank you.
I cannot even begin to describe to you how bittersweet today is for me. It's the last day for me to have these babies all to myself without having to share them with the world. Don't get me wrong I cannot wait to see who we've been cooking in there, introduce them to big brother, and share them with their family who can't wait to shower them in love and kisses. That being said theirs someone special about feeling your babies move and kick in your belly that's simply indescribable - how do I only have a little over 24 hours just the 3 of us? How is it time to be the last day?
How is it time to be the last day with just my little man? My side kick? My best friend? My main squeeze? He's 22 months old - his world is about to be rocked in a big way and while I'm elated that makes my momma heart hurt just a little. I know he will be a great big brother - zero doubt in my mind - I just hope that I can continue to be the best momma possible to him and parent all 3 of my children with grace and gratitude everyday - giving all of them the love and attention they deserve.
And finally - is this the last day I will ever be pregnant? Is this the last day I will ever rock a belly bump? The last day I will ever walk with what I think is a super cute, pregnant waddle? Is this the last day someone will ask me "when are you due" or "what are you having?". Is this the last day I will ever feel a little hand or foot rolling around in my belly from the inside? Or feel the anticipation of being a momma expecting her miracle any day? I think people assume that because it's twins and because we will have 3 we are done but I can tell you I hope this isn't the last day. I don't feel like I can say I'm done. My heart doesn't tell me that. I see so many mommas saying "our family is complete now" after they have their little ones and my gut just doesn't tell me that. I'm not ready to say it's over. We have one embryo left and I feel like we have to go back for him/her. Having now carried 3 babies - I mourn the loss of the 2 embryos that we transferred that didn't make it even more knowing how truly amazing it could have been had they held on. So a long winded, very emotional middle of the night (errr morning I guess?) way to say I hope today isn't the last. I hope that in a few years we get to do this all over again. 💕💕
XOXO
K
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