You are doing a great job...
So as you all know I've started therapy and have started seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with some of my ppd issues - and I'll save that update for another post - but what I want to share with you today is something that I have learned in my sessions so far. What has become blazingly obvious is that I am a damn good mother - and I know - regardless of how you might feel - you are too.
Being a mom has been hands down the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have always been a confident person - I picked a direction and went with it. With Casey - I second guess everything. I wonder am I doing my very best, am I giving him enough of me, am I stimulating him enough, am I stimulating him too much. I worry that something will happen to him - that he will choke or get into something he shouldn't. I want the very best that life has to offer for this little man - and it's my job to give him that - and there are days where I wonder if I'm living up to that.
The more I talk to my therapist about how I'm feeling the more I realize Casey is a thriving boy. He is always smiling, he's always happy, he lights up when I walk into the room, he's meeting milestones - he's loving life. And the biggest reason for that…is me. Not to toot my own horn, but as moms - be it working or stay at home moms - we have thankless jobs. We are house managers, teachers, housekeepers, cooks, doggie day care owners, storytellers, nurses - you name it. And something that I'm realizing is that as working women - pre baby - we were evaluated generally once a year, our bosses would sit us down and tell us how we did, perhaps give us a bonus for a job well done and we received constant feedback. As moms we don't get that sort of reassurance or verbal feedback. We don't have someone speaking the words "good job" to us as we did in the corporate world. But what I'm coming to realize is that we have something much more special - and that's the love and admiration of our children. They may not be able to verbalize it, but we can see it in their eyes, we can feel it in the touch of their little hands, the way they rub our ours or run their little fingers through our hair as they fall asleep - that's how they tell us we are doing a great job.
Being a mom has been hands down the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have always been a confident person - I picked a direction and went with it. With Casey - I second guess everything. I wonder am I doing my very best, am I giving him enough of me, am I stimulating him enough, am I stimulating him too much. I worry that something will happen to him - that he will choke or get into something he shouldn't. I want the very best that life has to offer for this little man - and it's my job to give him that - and there are days where I wonder if I'm living up to that.
The more I talk to my therapist about how I'm feeling the more I realize Casey is a thriving boy. He is always smiling, he's always happy, he lights up when I walk into the room, he's meeting milestones - he's loving life. And the biggest reason for that…is me. Not to toot my own horn, but as moms - be it working or stay at home moms - we have thankless jobs. We are house managers, teachers, housekeepers, cooks, doggie day care owners, storytellers, nurses - you name it. And something that I'm realizing is that as working women - pre baby - we were evaluated generally once a year, our bosses would sit us down and tell us how we did, perhaps give us a bonus for a job well done and we received constant feedback. As moms we don't get that sort of reassurance or verbal feedback. We don't have someone speaking the words "good job" to us as we did in the corporate world. But what I'm coming to realize is that we have something much more special - and that's the love and admiration of our children. They may not be able to verbalize it, but we can see it in their eyes, we can feel it in the touch of their little hands, the way they rub our ours or run their little fingers through our hair as they fall asleep - that's how they tell us we are doing a great job.
So as I'm working through all of the feelings I've been having I'm realizing there is no way to be the perfect mother - the perfect mother doesn't exist. We all strive to be the best mother, give our kids the best life possible, give them everything we didn't have and literally give them our entire hearts - but we can never be perfect and that is OK. I'm learning to trust my gut but most of all trust Casey - trust that he is learning new skills and growing bigger and stronger and smarter everyday and the way that he is going to continue to do this is for me to let him. I am making a concerted effort to not worry about everything, to not sweat the small stuff and try to learn to enjoy every single second with Casey as they come because unfortunately his childhood and these moments are fleeting and I know before I know it he'll be graduating.
So trust your instincts mommas, know you are doing a great job by the smile on your little one's faces, the joy in their giggles, and the looks on their faces when they surprise themselves by doing something they didn't think was possible. Shower them with love and kisses but give them enough space to be their own person and to learn who they are and what they are capable of. And most of all remember it's ok to have bad days - we are all entitled to them - it doesn't make you a bad mom and remember even the worst of days with your babies will be the days you will cherish forever.
XOXO
K
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