The Last Time

So I know many of you have probably seen the poem below. I seriously cannot read it without tearing up - every. single. time. There are so many things that Ceej does that I know he is quickly outgrowing that everytime he does it I wonder - will this be the last time he does that. A big one for me is sitting propped up on my knees facing me, with his little pigs in my face. Basically every since the day he was born he's sat like this - he plays like this, he poops like this - and he's quickly getting too big to sit like this as his little pigs reach my ears now. I've taken many pictures of him sitting like this wondering if it's nearing the last time.

I knew there would come a day when I nursed CJ for the last time - and sadly I believe that day is imminent. It's not for lack of trying - trust me. When he started sleeping through the night I stepped up my pumping game - I drank gatorade by the gallons, started pumping as much as possible, ate tablespoon after tablespoon of brewers yeast and flax seed (yuck), ate oatmeal for 2 meals a day and tried to nurse as much as possible. I drank literally gallons of water and still - every morning I woke I had less and less milk.

Now - I can tell CJ is barely getting anything and I get even less when I try to pump - we made it 7 months tomorrow and I am damn proud of that - blood during painful latches, sweat from all the herbs I was taking to aid in milk production and tears because as with infertility - my body wasn't doing what it is supposed to do - have been shed over the past 7 months and now - it's all coming to an end.

It's very bittersweet for me - on one hand I'm sad that I can't provide that for him any longer and there is something special about a nursing baby looking up at you with big doe eyes and giggling - but on the other hand I'm becoming OK with having my body back. Not having to worry about drinking enough, choking down 8 cups of mothers milk tea a day, taking drugs that induce profuse sweating and others that make said sweat smell like maple syrup - I will miss it but I am OK with it. I have enough frozen milk to give him a few ounces of breastmilk each day through hopefully January and to give him as much antibodies and immunity as I can through the cold season.

But the point I want to make is please be gentle and thoughtful when you use the phrase "breast is best." Please. Breast isn't always best for some. Whether you choose not to nurse your babies just because, you can't for your own or baby's medical reasons, or like me - your body simply doesn't do what it is supposed to do - it's not best for everyone. For those like me - especially having struggled through infertility and my body failing one of it's basic duties to reproduce - then it not producing enough milk to feed my little one - it's very disheartening.

I remember the first bottle we had to give Ceej - I just cried and cried and I couldn't even bring myself to be the one to feed him. Once again my body had let me down but this time no amount of science was going to fix it. Why was I feeling that way? A big reason was because I love nursing him but there was definitely a part in the back of my mind that was ashamed because it had been engrained in me that "breast is best" and I could no longer do that for him. With each bottle it became easier and easier. In the beginning my wonderful sister in law helped supplement CJ but eventually we moved to formula and that was hard. I belonged to many breastfeeding support groups that you can literally get kicked out of if you mention supplementing. People would say just nurse on demand - your body will catch up. No. Didn't happen for us and I wasn't about to let CJ go hungry.

So anyways - I'm rambling but I just want to let you momma's know who chose not to nurse, who couldn't nurse, who decided to stop earlier than you thought, or any combination of the above - it's OK!! You are doing what's right for you and your baby and to hell with the rest. To hell with what anyone thinks. I never have had a drop of breastmilk in my life and I feel like I'm a fine specimen - haha! So rather than breast is best I say feed all the babies - no matter how that might be. Now I am going to go nurse my little one - perhaps for the last time...

XOXO

K