Hospital Ramblings
So I thought I would share some of my thoughts from the couch here in the hospital. First off let me say - if you have been lucky enough to have healthy kids who have never had a procedure or a hospital stay count your blessings. It's so easy to take for granted - of course my kids are healthy right? That's certainly how I felt with Casey. Knock on wood - the worst that he's ever had is a random 12 hour high fever and an ear infection that lingered a few weeks. Then along came the twins and Max of course had his tethered cord and Mia has issues with her kidneys that are being monitored and may require surgical revision at some point.
For 7.5 months we've known that Maxy had a tethered spinal cord but we have been able to sort of put it out of our mind and not think about it. It seemed like something that was so far away it wasn't top of mind. I even talked to my psychiatrist about it - I told her wow Doc I feel like something is wrong with me because I'm not worried sick about it. She said nothing to feel bad about, for the first time in your life you are handling something hard the way that you should. I've always been a huge worrier - so for me to not be a worried mess 24/7 has been weird for me. But she explained it perfectly - she said that when we worry subconsciously we actually feel like we are doing something or controlling a situation that we actually have no control over. We feel like by worrying we are at least doing something - but in reality it's just causing more harm than good.
So once I got past those feelings and as the surgery loomed closer I felt a weird sense of peace. I knew there was nothing I could do and I just wanted to be done with it. I wanted to stop that feeling of my stomach dropping every time I looked at him and he smiled back at me with his electric smile - knowing what he was going to have to go through and wondering if everything was going to be ok. I was ready to hand him over and have him back in my arms safe and sound.
I have to tell you - being here in the hospital with sick kiddos all around is absolutely heartbreaking. My heart is broken for Max - even though he is doing well and I cannot even believe how he is handling this whole experience - it's still so hard to see your baby in that position. And I haven't been able to hold him since I handed him over to the surgical team yesterday and won't be able to truly hold and cuddle him for another 2 weeks. He's my cuddler - he would cuddle all day long and now momma can't hold and snuggle him for 2 weeks. But on the flip side, he's alive and he has use of his limbs and everything else and I'm so so thankful for that.
My heart also breaks for some of these other kiddos. We are on a neurosurgical floor all with kids who are post op patients. We took Maxy for a wagon ride today and he wanted to just keep doing laps for a good hour. We had fun and he was happy as a clam. But a few doors down there's a teeny tiny baby - smaller than him - all alone. Since we were brought up to the floor last night no one has been in there with him - no family that is. We've seen the nurses holding and cuddling him but no signs of family. I'm sure there are other kiddos at home that they may not have childcare for or maybe they just aren't able to miss work - I understand there are circumstances that are beyond parents' control. But I just want to go in and cuddle that baby and hold him tight because it breaks my heart. I know that whenever Max has become agitated since we've been here he wants me to lay nose to nose with him and he instantly calms down. I can't imagine him being alone at all.
There are also a few kiddos CJ's age or maybe a bit older and you can hear what's going on and they are upset, don't understand why they can't do certain things, don't understand why they can't eat or get up whenever they want and it just breaks my heart. No child should ever have to go through any of this - it's so so sad and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
So anyways - enough rambling and I'm guessing Maxy will be up from his nap soon so I'm going to wrap it up. But please keep praying for our sweet Maxy that his recovery goes well and that he is reunited with his big brother and sister soon!
XOXO
K
For 7.5 months we've known that Maxy had a tethered spinal cord but we have been able to sort of put it out of our mind and not think about it. It seemed like something that was so far away it wasn't top of mind. I even talked to my psychiatrist about it - I told her wow Doc I feel like something is wrong with me because I'm not worried sick about it. She said nothing to feel bad about, for the first time in your life you are handling something hard the way that you should. I've always been a huge worrier - so for me to not be a worried mess 24/7 has been weird for me. But she explained it perfectly - she said that when we worry subconsciously we actually feel like we are doing something or controlling a situation that we actually have no control over. We feel like by worrying we are at least doing something - but in reality it's just causing more harm than good.
So once I got past those feelings and as the surgery loomed closer I felt a weird sense of peace. I knew there was nothing I could do and I just wanted to be done with it. I wanted to stop that feeling of my stomach dropping every time I looked at him and he smiled back at me with his electric smile - knowing what he was going to have to go through and wondering if everything was going to be ok. I was ready to hand him over and have him back in my arms safe and sound.
I have to tell you - being here in the hospital with sick kiddos all around is absolutely heartbreaking. My heart is broken for Max - even though he is doing well and I cannot even believe how he is handling this whole experience - it's still so hard to see your baby in that position. And I haven't been able to hold him since I handed him over to the surgical team yesterday and won't be able to truly hold and cuddle him for another 2 weeks. He's my cuddler - he would cuddle all day long and now momma can't hold and snuggle him for 2 weeks. But on the flip side, he's alive and he has use of his limbs and everything else and I'm so so thankful for that.
My heart also breaks for some of these other kiddos. We are on a neurosurgical floor all with kids who are post op patients. We took Maxy for a wagon ride today and he wanted to just keep doing laps for a good hour. We had fun and he was happy as a clam. But a few doors down there's a teeny tiny baby - smaller than him - all alone. Since we were brought up to the floor last night no one has been in there with him - no family that is. We've seen the nurses holding and cuddling him but no signs of family. I'm sure there are other kiddos at home that they may not have childcare for or maybe they just aren't able to miss work - I understand there are circumstances that are beyond parents' control. But I just want to go in and cuddle that baby and hold him tight because it breaks my heart. I know that whenever Max has become agitated since we've been here he wants me to lay nose to nose with him and he instantly calms down. I can't imagine him being alone at all.
There are also a few kiddos CJ's age or maybe a bit older and you can hear what's going on and they are upset, don't understand why they can't do certain things, don't understand why they can't eat or get up whenever they want and it just breaks my heart. No child should ever have to go through any of this - it's so so sad and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
So anyways - enough rambling and I'm guessing Maxy will be up from his nap soon so I'm going to wrap it up. But please keep praying for our sweet Maxy that his recovery goes well and that he is reunited with his big brother and sister soon!
XOXO
K
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