1 in 8
Sunday kicked off National Infertility Awareness Week. The World Health Organization defines infertility as a disease of the reproductive system where a couple fails to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected intercourse. 1 in 8 couples struggles with infertility. Sounds like such an open and shut definition huh? Easy - you try for a year you are infertile. But there are doctors that can help with that these days right? Take a few pills, maybe a few injections and bam - problem solved. And if that doesn't work well there are so many children out there that need good homes right? You can always adopt. All of these things I've heard before. When we continued to try month over month with no luck people told us to relax, they said don't worry, you are still young, it will happen. I've always known in my heart Chris and I would have problems conceiving - call my crazy - but for years and years I told him and our families that I just knew it wouldn't come easy for us. Everyone assured me I was crazy and that we would be ok - until we weren't….
Infertility is so much more than a simple definition of not being able to conceive. For us, infertility meant months and month and months of planning how I would tell Chris the great news, us planning together how we would tell our families - it never failed - my period was always due around mother's day, Easter, Valentine's Day, Halloween or some other holiday where we could have discovered we were pregnant and announced it to our families in some cute way. And every month - we were let down. First me when my period came, and I realized I wasn't going to be able to surprise Chris with the news and then we would grieve together once I told him at another month come and gone.
Infertility taught us - more than anything else in our lives - that we aren't in control. We don't call the shots and we aren't one of the lucky ones that could plan to be pregnant through the winter and have a beautiful spring baby (although we did get blessed with one :)) or be able to plan a vacation and have a vacay baby. Even after we conceived him through IVF - people would tell me way to plan it - not having to be pregnant through the hot summer months. Often times, it took all I had to not politely tell these folks that there are many women who are very near and dear to my heart - including myself - that would give absolutely anything to be able to be pregnant and uncomfortable through the hot winter months. Even after knowing our struggles - people still didn't understand.
I consider Chris and I one of the lucky ones in that we were able to go straight to IVF. Our issues were severe enough that the doctor told us that medicines, injectables alone, and IUIs would be a waste of our time and money and that IVF really was our only option to conceive. When we heard those words - it was a huge blow but we later realized it was a blessing in disguise. I know so many couples who suffer for years, then they actively manage their fertility, they go on Clomid or start the IUI process and still have no luck - and I can't imagine how disheartening that is. I also consider us very lucky that we never achieved a pregnancy to later lose it. Our first transfer of our first embryo wasn't successful - and we will never forget that baby (yes we fully believe it was a baby) - but it doesn't compare to being pregnant and losing a child - I cannot imagine what that is like and my heart breaks for every family that's experienced that.
Infertility put a strain on many relationships in our lives - including our marriage. Often times people would avoid asking about our treatment or didn't seem concerned or interested in what we were going through. I now realize that is because they didn't know what to do or say - but at the time we truly felt alone and isolated and like very few people cared. It also put a strain on our relationship with one another - especially after our first failed IVF round. Infertility began to define me - and Chris was the opposite and it caused problems where it was all I wanted to talk about. That's when I found the instagram TTC community and honestly - as dramatic as it sounds - it saved me. It helped get our marriage back to where it belonged and it gave me a support group that is simply amazing. I have formed genuine, loving friendships with these women that I have no doubt will last a very very long time.
Infertility is also very very expensive. We were lucky enough that our actual monitoring and procedures were covered at 100% but we still had to cover all of our meds out of pocket which came to about $6K between the two cycles. I know so many women who have to pay for the entire process out of pocket - and for me that would have been an additional ~$20K per cycle. The fact that there are not national laws in place to cover this for struggling couples is infuriating and ridiculous. I can only hope and pray that legislation is passed that recognizes infertility as a disease just like any other disease that all insurance companies should have to cover.
So where am I going with all of this? First, to those of you who have friends or family members struggling with infertility - simply be there for them. Ask how they are. Ask how things are going. Don't ignore it at parties or functions - you don't have to dwell on it - but if you know they are going through treatments - a simple I've been thinking about you - I hope all is well - will make the world of difference. Just to know people care - when you are going through it - can give you that extra push to keep fighting.
Second, for those of your struggling - keep your head up. Keep fighting. Stay strong. Miracles do happen. Recently, within the IG community I have seen so many surprise, miracle big fat positives. Women who struggled cycle over cycle, even did IUI after IUI, multiple IVFs and by nothing short of a miracle are pregnant naturally. And if you are struggling - don't be afraid to be open about it and put it out there. Once you so you will find and connect with others who are fighting the same fight and you also may inspire someone who is struggling. As we were going through our cycles - seeing women have successful IVF and IUI cycles is what kept me going.
So I want to leave you with two pictures that have become very very special to my heart. The first is my mismatched "lucky" socks from two of my favorite TTC sisters on the day of our 2nd IVF embryo transfer - the day that Casey was put back in my belly. The second picture is about 10 minutes before I starting pushing to bring Casey into this world. Same lucky socks almost 10 months later. These two pictures are proof that miracles can happen, whether naturally or through modern science - you can have your miracle too. Don't give up ladies - I can't promise you it will be easy, I can't promise there won't be tears, pain and heartache, and I can't promise you that it will be fast or according to your timeline - but what I can promise you is that every heartache, needle stick and dollar is so so worth it and it will no doubt be the best thing you have ever done.
XOXO
K
Infertility is so much more than a simple definition of not being able to conceive. For us, infertility meant months and month and months of planning how I would tell Chris the great news, us planning together how we would tell our families - it never failed - my period was always due around mother's day, Easter, Valentine's Day, Halloween or some other holiday where we could have discovered we were pregnant and announced it to our families in some cute way. And every month - we were let down. First me when my period came, and I realized I wasn't going to be able to surprise Chris with the news and then we would grieve together once I told him at another month come and gone.
Infertility taught us - more than anything else in our lives - that we aren't in control. We don't call the shots and we aren't one of the lucky ones that could plan to be pregnant through the winter and have a beautiful spring baby (although we did get blessed with one :)) or be able to plan a vacation and have a vacay baby. Even after we conceived him through IVF - people would tell me way to plan it - not having to be pregnant through the hot summer months. Often times, it took all I had to not politely tell these folks that there are many women who are very near and dear to my heart - including myself - that would give absolutely anything to be able to be pregnant and uncomfortable through the hot winter months. Even after knowing our struggles - people still didn't understand.
I consider Chris and I one of the lucky ones in that we were able to go straight to IVF. Our issues were severe enough that the doctor told us that medicines, injectables alone, and IUIs would be a waste of our time and money and that IVF really was our only option to conceive. When we heard those words - it was a huge blow but we later realized it was a blessing in disguise. I know so many couples who suffer for years, then they actively manage their fertility, they go on Clomid or start the IUI process and still have no luck - and I can't imagine how disheartening that is. I also consider us very lucky that we never achieved a pregnancy to later lose it. Our first transfer of our first embryo wasn't successful - and we will never forget that baby (yes we fully believe it was a baby) - but it doesn't compare to being pregnant and losing a child - I cannot imagine what that is like and my heart breaks for every family that's experienced that.
Infertility put a strain on many relationships in our lives - including our marriage. Often times people would avoid asking about our treatment or didn't seem concerned or interested in what we were going through. I now realize that is because they didn't know what to do or say - but at the time we truly felt alone and isolated and like very few people cared. It also put a strain on our relationship with one another - especially after our first failed IVF round. Infertility began to define me - and Chris was the opposite and it caused problems where it was all I wanted to talk about. That's when I found the instagram TTC community and honestly - as dramatic as it sounds - it saved me. It helped get our marriage back to where it belonged and it gave me a support group that is simply amazing. I have formed genuine, loving friendships with these women that I have no doubt will last a very very long time.
Infertility is also very very expensive. We were lucky enough that our actual monitoring and procedures were covered at 100% but we still had to cover all of our meds out of pocket which came to about $6K between the two cycles. I know so many women who have to pay for the entire process out of pocket - and for me that would have been an additional ~$20K per cycle. The fact that there are not national laws in place to cover this for struggling couples is infuriating and ridiculous. I can only hope and pray that legislation is passed that recognizes infertility as a disease just like any other disease that all insurance companies should have to cover.
So where am I going with all of this? First, to those of you who have friends or family members struggling with infertility - simply be there for them. Ask how they are. Ask how things are going. Don't ignore it at parties or functions - you don't have to dwell on it - but if you know they are going through treatments - a simple I've been thinking about you - I hope all is well - will make the world of difference. Just to know people care - when you are going through it - can give you that extra push to keep fighting.
Second, for those of your struggling - keep your head up. Keep fighting. Stay strong. Miracles do happen. Recently, within the IG community I have seen so many surprise, miracle big fat positives. Women who struggled cycle over cycle, even did IUI after IUI, multiple IVFs and by nothing short of a miracle are pregnant naturally. And if you are struggling - don't be afraid to be open about it and put it out there. Once you so you will find and connect with others who are fighting the same fight and you also may inspire someone who is struggling. As we were going through our cycles - seeing women have successful IVF and IUI cycles is what kept me going.
So I want to leave you with two pictures that have become very very special to my heart. The first is my mismatched "lucky" socks from two of my favorite TTC sisters on the day of our 2nd IVF embryo transfer - the day that Casey was put back in my belly. The second picture is about 10 minutes before I starting pushing to bring Casey into this world. Same lucky socks almost 10 months later. These two pictures are proof that miracles can happen, whether naturally or through modern science - you can have your miracle too. Don't give up ladies - I can't promise you it will be easy, I can't promise there won't be tears, pain and heartache, and I can't promise you that it will be fast or according to your timeline - but what I can promise you is that every heartache, needle stick and dollar is so so worth it and it will no doubt be the best thing you have ever done.
K
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