Once an infertile always an infertile

So I've been wanting to share my thoguhts on this topic for a while for numerous reasons but haven't taken the time to sit down and do it. This morning while working from home I had the Today show on in the background and the anchors were discussing Facebook's birthday (10 years - holy smokes I feel old) - and where they were 10 years ago, what they have encountered over those 10 years and so on. Hoda Kotb talked about cancer being her biggest struggle in the past 10 years and having a mother that is a 10+ year breast cancer survivor I can attest - as many of you can - to the fact that that is truly life altering. Al Roker and Natalie Morales were also speaking and they both mentioned that infertility was one of the biggest struggles they had faced - Natalie with secondary infertility and Al with 2 or 3 (can't remember!) children from IVF and one adopted daughter. This struck a cord with me because even though they now have happy and healthy families - they still identify with infertility being a major life-altering struggle and this is what I want to talk about today.

Chris and I are what I consider lucky when it comes to the crazy ride that is infertility. May sound crazy to some. But after trying for a long time, we went to the fertility doc, they ran some tests and basically told us you have no other option besides IVF. To some that would seem like the worst possible answer - to me it was the best. We didn't have to spend months trying Clomid or other fertility drugs with timed intercourse, we didn't have to try IUI's and spend time, money and effort on the what if's associated with that - we got to go straight to the granddaddy of them all - IVF! We are also very lucky to live in a state where if you work for the right company fertility treatments - excluding meds - are covered at 100% (thank you Lundbeck!). Honestly, as hard as this was to process just 2 weeks after we started our relationship with the fertility clinic - we were at peace with it - and this girl who was scared of a simple vacination or a needle prick to check my sugar strapped on her big girl panties and said bring on the injections - I'm ready.

Our first cycle was a disaster as many of your know - 11 eggs - only 1 fertilized and it wasn't the best quality. On April 23, 2013 we transferred one embryo and would find out 12 days later our beta was 0 - and again - we felt very blessed because we didn't have to spend time in beta hell. Where your beta comes in low - may be a chemical may not be - so much waiting and wishing and hoping. If it wasn't meant to be - we hoped for a 0 so that we could grieve, pick ourselves up and try again. My due date with that little embryo would have been January 11, 2014. I often think about how different our lives would be right now had that trasnfer worked - what would that Baby Wik have looked like, would it have been a boy or girl, so many things run through my head and I will never forget that cute little guy and what might have been.

Fastforward to July 30th when Baby Wik - a perfect grade AA 5 day blastocyst was put back in my belly. I honestly didn't think the transfer was going to work - my progesterone was pretty high and we were on the verge of having to do ao freeze all, we debated for hours over to put back one or two and immediately after the transfer I jumped up because I was about ready to burst and I just didn't have high expectations so of course when we got that call in Vegas I was so amazed and so thankful!

So where am I going with this? Even though we are almost 30 weeks pregnant and awaiting the arrival of our perfect little one - that doesn't mean our struggle is over. That doesn't mean our fight is done. When we graduated from the fertility clinic they all but told us don't waste your time when you are ready for #2 - it isn't going to happen - so you might as well just call us and jump on that FET train with one of your frozen babies. So at this point - I know so much can change - but for now we are assuming the dream of just being able to put on some sweet usic, drink a few margaritas, and get down to business and surprise surprise two weeks later get those coveted two pink lines will never be our reality.

I say all of this because I want to give others out there struggling hope. I want to show you that you can beat this and you can overcome this - come hell or high water - you can be mommies and daddies whether that be through IVF, IUI, adoption, fostering, etc. And I want you to know that even though we may have fought the fight and won for now - we are still right there with you - we know what you are going through, what you are feeling, and you are not alone.

There are still days where I think about some of my TTC sisters who have just recently delivered their babies or who started round 2 with me and are a few more weeks along because we got help up by a huge cycst at the beginning - and I am still deep down in my heart envious! This was something I always struggled with when we were trying to get pregnant - I would hear others announce their pregnancies and I would be of course happy for them but would be struck with intense sadness for myself and Chris because it wasn't us - and it always made me feel like such a shitty person. I hated it. And then come to find out - today -  at 29w5d - I still feel that envy!! I still worry is everything really going to be OK with Baby Wik - I've never loved someone or something so much and it terrifies me to think that anything could go wrong.

So tons of rambling to say - I'm here for you. If you are struggling and you want to talk shoot me a message. If you struggle with the feelings of envy like I did and feel like a piece of poo - let's talk because I used to feel so so bad and felt like I was the only one that felt that way and it wasn't until I talked to some of my ttc sisters that I realized it's pretty common. I hope that this made sense - maybe was all over the place - but sometimes out of chaos comes something pretty spectacular :)

XOXO
K

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